The posts are most recent to least. Click the arrows in this section to move onto the next month or to go back to the previous.    

Hard Times

Things have been a bit rough for me lately. After getting over COVID I've been in a pretty deep depression and I haven't wanted to do anything - spend time outside, do things I enjoy... Even though I have been doing things, I just haven't been having fun? And each day I wake up fighting the urge to just end it.

I know I sound like I'm being melodramatic, but I believe my bipolar has been trying to kick my ass this year. It's been harder this year than it has been the past few, for me to fight these "bad thoughts" that I get. Oat suggested I start going back to therapy and get on some medication just so I stop being so damn miserable all the time (he didn't word it that way), and I want to, but I also hate therapists... They're narcs. You can't tell them you're thinking about hurting yourself, becuase there's always the chance of them locking you up.

If I were to be "put somewhere" I'd lose my job, and we'd lose our house, and then I'm definitely killing myself. It's so frustrating. There is a counseling office I have been looking into... Maybe I'll give them a call this week.

Speaking of calling and doctors though, I have to have an endoscopy at some point to keep an eye on my GI Tract (so in case I get cancer again, we can find it quickly). I keep trying to get ahold of these people, but they only ever call me back when I'm wtih students or in meetings... And then I also need to get with my dentist to have my tooth removed soon. I don't know how long a temporary filling lasts, but with "temporary" in the name, I know it won't last forever!

We did go to that Harvest Festival yesterday. I had some fun, but was still depressed the whole day. I have been drinking more wine lately, mostly on the weekends, but it's numbing any sadness / pain I'm feeling. I just don't want it to become a problem again. The last time I developed a drinking problem was about... 11 or 12 years ago? Let's not let that happen again!

Anyways, let's see if I can survive this week. Next weekend we're going to clean up around the house, because the next weekend we are having my family up (mom, sister, grandpa, grandma, and maybe my cousin and her boyfriend) for a dinner party! I am looking forward to that, so I hope I cheer up by then.



Wish me luck.