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Well, That Was Something

So. My grandma died on the 24th.

I don't really know what all to say about it, I suppose I knew it was coming, because of how horrid her health was. My mom, who's a nurse and would help take care of her, kept saying "she was so young!" "I didn't expect her to go so soon!" But like... she was in her late 70s and again in horrible health. So, not a surprise to me. It is a bit sad though, I remember when I'd spend most of my time hanging out with her, or at her house, because my dad was abusive and I didn't like being at home. I did live with her for a while (not while school was in session though because she was too far away) because of a lot of incidents with my dad.

I guess I ended up being a bit disappointed in her the older I got, because I learned how neglectful of a mother she was to my own mom, which is probably what led to my mom being a shitty caretaker. And of course, all of my grandma's health issues were of her own doing. If she hadn't been a drug addict most of her life, she probably would have lived longer.

Seeing my grandpa so sad was odd though. He's a pretty stoic guy. He's not my real grandpa (aka not my mom's dad - he died a long time ago), but he is the guy I've known as "grandpa" my whole life. He just kept mentioning how his "love" was gone, and he kept messing around with his gun. That was a bit concerning, but I honestly don't blame him. I don't know how long Oat would last if I died on him... And same goes for me. Oat is really the only reason I AM still alive today. BUT let's not go there...


This is the photo we used of her for her obituary, put through an AI filter...

While I did grow jaded about how I viewed my grandma... Let's remember her as I knew her when I was younger - she was so funky and out there. She loved to listen to opera music, showtunes, and rock'n'roll. She had photos of Pope John Paul II all over her house, as well as statues of Buddha, and crystals that made the sunshine look like rainbows all over her wall. She couldn't cook for shit, so she let me eat TV dinners all the time when I'd visit (and that was fun). She'd also come into the living room and yell at me and the other grandkids when we were too loud, keeping her up after a long shift at work (she was also a nurse). She liked to garden and bird watch and do drugs too I suppose. Her fashion was... questionable, but unique and that's what made her cool. She loved brooches and carpet-looking coats, bandana do-rags, and costume jewelry (she's probably where I get my tacky ass style from to be honest). She'd take me shopping, and was the first person to drag me into Hot Topic because she could smell their patchouli incense (back when they were a good store and sold incense). She'd also get really confused as to how we'd do it, but thought it was funny when we (the grandkids - led by me of course) would get Microsoft Sam to call her a "bozo".

I'll miss you grandma. You were a really cool lady. And no matter what that jackass preacher my cunt of a cousin got to speak at your funeral says (don't get me started on this) - if there is a heaven, I'm sure that's where you ended up.

Finally, An Update

I know I'm just updating this locally as of now... I could have honestly had this site finished a long time ago, but in one of my last posts (in September!!) I talked about how depressed I was and how hard it was for me to do anything. I'm still battling with a lack of motivation... But it's getting better.

At least there's that light at the end of the tunnel!

However, I have missed out on writing about the last few months. I've been busy again, but thankfully the past two weekends have been very lowkey, so I could get some rest.

After my last post in September, we went down to visit my mom. That was nice! I had just missed my sister, who was down the week before, but she had work that weekend. We went to the Livermush Festival, and the ding-dongs running the food places were ALL out of livermush by the time we got there!!! At least now I can say I've been, but I won't go back. I did get to see my cousin's apartment though, she lives downtown in the area that the festival was held. I can't remember what else we did that weekend, but I always have fun going to my mom's.

I have been seeing a therapist since September. Whether she's helping or not is to be seen. I don't think she's well equipped to handle bipolar, and instead focuses a lot on "mindfulness". I mean, maybe that is supposed to help? I don't know. Either way, I talked to her recently about how, even though my mom and I didn't get along at all when I was growing up, I think we do now because we hardly ever see each other. Her abusive boyfriend isn't around anymore. And she lives in a house that is totally foreign to me (aka - it doesn't come with the PTSD-related feelings all our old houses came with). So, I think that's why I'm always so cozy when I'm visiting, because it's the first place I could go be around my mom where I haven't felt like I'm in danger.

We decided we'd go to her place for Thanksgiving, even though we originally planned to do nothing at home. At least this way, we can be around some people (mom and my sister), but we aren't forced to do too much. I think it'll be fun!

In October we did some yard work. We finally ripped some of the bushes out of our yard. It was rewarding, but it was literally just one corner of our house. We have a lot left to do!

And Oat's cousins came down from PA so we could go to a haunted attraction together. It was a fun weekend, but it left me with a sour taste in my mouth. I think I get weird feelings being around people who are just so blind to the meanness of the rest of the family. His girl cousin just loves Oat's mom and sister, but doesn't realize they talk mad shit about her behind her back. It's sad really. I'm SO glad I don't have to be around Oat's family for the holidays...

The haunted thing was fun though! I love being scared (in that way) but I hate that I get desensitized to the scares pretty quickly, so it doesn't have a lasting effect. Where can I find a haunted attraction where they can touch you, but not abuse you?

I mentioned the endoscopy in one of my last posts too and I literally just had it yesterday. I had to move the date once, because it was going to be a bit expensive (to meet my deductible), so I had to wait until I could afford it. Money has sucked this year. I'm ending the year with no savings, I know I've tried to build it back up, but thanks to student loan payments and all sorts of other things, I've had no luck... Hopefully with the new budget I have laid out for next year I can maybe at least save something then! At least I have the option to keep trying.

Alright, I've written enough. Maybe one day I'll have this site ready to upload. Until then... See ya!